Rest In Pieces
by peregrin
Summary: OK, we all knew that the characters would have to die someday, so they might as well give us a laugh doing it!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me; they belong to either George Lucas or Timothy Zahn. And sadly I'm making no money from this.  
  
This story was also written by my best friend TigerEyes, it's mad, it's weird, but it's also very funny. Enjoy!  
  
  
  
About ten minutes ago in a galaxy 2.4 miles away, very little happened. Eleven minutes ago however was the end of a chain of events that could devastate the galaxy… Now the music is still playing so we'll leave you for a few minutes. Dum, dum, diddly dum dum, diddly dum dum, diddly DUM!  
  
*  
  
Five figures were gathered around a large table discussing a recent Imperial offensive against the New Republic in hushed voices. The Jedi Master, Luke Skywalker, stifled a laugh as his brother-in-law suggested a risky strategy to his wife, the Chief of State, who was about to dismiss the idea out of hand, when suddenly.  
  
"Well I think that's a good idea," Mon Mothma said surprising everyone, not least of all Han, who stared open mouthed at the auburn haired woman, in response she simply asked, "Is everyone agreed with me?" The atmosphere around the table changed suddenly as everyone except Mon Mothma reached behind their backs.  
  
Grinning mischievously they placed the brightly coloured Rasta hats on their heads and chorused "Yeah Mon!" Mon Mothma gaped at them disbelief etched on her face, before she could respond, however, the chamber doors crashed open and Admiral Ackbar rushed in. Glancing at Leia he muttered an apology and promptly sat down…in the chair occupied by Mon Mothma. Frantically pointing at Ackbar, Leia desperately tried to find the words to tell him what had happened.  
  
Despite Leia's efforts to explain his mistake Ackbar misunderstood and stood to salute, asking her forgiveness for his lack of manners, shrugging she allowed the meeting to continue.  
  
As the meeting ended Admiral Ackbar stood to shake Luke's hand, Mara who was standing behind the Mon Calimarian tutted in disgust, "Ackbar" she sighed "who have you sat in? You've got Mon Mothma all over your trousers."  
  
Three days after the death of Mon Mothma Han, Leia, Luke and Garm Bel Iblis were gathered at the President's residence.  
  
From the computer console where he sat Han let out an excited yelp drawing the attention of everyone in the room. Acknowledging their curious looks he cried, "I've found my parents!"  
  
Whilst everyone cheered Bel Iblis swallowed uncomfortably, "Who are they?" he asked struggling to control his voice.  
  
Excitedly Han jumped from the console practically bellowing "Bob and Cornelia SOLO!" With an exasperated sigh Bel Iblis continued to read the reports in his hand. "What's wrong with you?" Han asked abruptly "I've found me Ma and Pa!" shaking his head wearily Bel Iblis stood to face Han.  
  
"No Han," he whispered "I am your father", from a corner of the room Han heard Luke giggle childishly and shook his head frantically.  
  
"No I don't believe you!" Luke chuckled as Han backed towards the door.  
  
"Search your feelings you know it to be true." as these words left Bel Iblis' mouth Luke was reduced to hysterics. Bel Iblis beckoned to Han whose face had drained of all its colour "Come here my son". Han edged cautiously closer to the senator, who swiftly pulled a knife and severed Han's right hand, as Leia let out a horrified gasp Luke began to roll around on the floor reduced to tears of laughter.  
  
Clutching his wrist stump Han shouted sarcastically "Thanks Dad!" suddenly brightening he turned to his father and said "Does this mean I get birthday presents from you now?"  
  
Still chuckling Luke answered "No, but I know what you've got for Christmas," this surprised Han who immediately asked how, Luke burst into manic laughter once more "I have felt your presence!" Shaking his head in confusion Han turned to regard Bel Iblis.  
  
"So if you're my dad," he said warily "who's my mum?"  
  
Leaning forward as though imparting a great secret Bel Iblis answered, "Mon Mothma, you were our secret love child". Han paled and ran from the room about to throw up; meanwhile Luke sat in his corner laughing hysterically.  
  
  
  
A/N: Ok there's more to come, please R&R, flames are welcome at least that way I know you've read it. 


	2. More of the same

Disclaimer: As you all know if you read the first chapter (if not, why? Go and do it NOW!), these characters aren't ours and we're making no money from this.  
  
  
  
Bel Iblis crept silently into the steamy room, he could hear Admiral Ackbar singing in the shower. As soon as he recognised the song he tried to cover his ears, unsuccessful he ventured into the bathroom to the strains of…"I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves!"  
  
The song was too much for Bel Iblis and he lunged at Ackbar brandishing a large knife and bellowing, "Die evil fish man! Die! Die! Die!" As he repeatedly stabbed the Admiral he sobbed, "You killed my beloved Mon Mothma!"  
  
Ackbar slowly tumbled from the shower, his wet corpse landing on Bel Iblis and trapping him. As the senator gasped for breath, his life slowly ebbing away, suffocating him and leaving both the human and Mon Calimarian dead on the bathroom floor.  
  
Meanwhile in Lando Calrissian's Coruscant home, the gambler was engrossed in a game of sabacc with Wedge Antilles. Lando grinned nonchalantly at Wedge as he pushed a large pile of credit chips into the centre of the table.  
  
Wedge laughed to himself as he matched Lando's bet and said, "I call" he had a positive twenty-three, pure sabacc, he was sure to win. With a flourish the Rogue Squadron commander laid down his cards, "Pure sabacc" he laughed, a note of pride evident in his voice.  
  
"Well," the gambler answered drawing in his breath and laying down two of his three cards, a two and a three of coins. Wedge shut his eyes dreading the next card; he heard Lando's triumphant voice cut through the silence "I win!" Slowly Wedge opened his eyes, and sure enough the Idiot lay in front of Lando laughing at Wedge, his grin taunting.  
  
Suddenly Wedge jumped from his seat and pointed an accusing finger at Lando "Hey you cheated," he bellowed "that's a skifter!" Lando's eyes widened in surprise as he stood to meet Wedge's stare.  
  
"I'm no cheat" he growled, "I won fair and square!" Before either man could say anymore he turned on his heel and stormed into the bathroom, pursued by Wedge. Out of the blue the toilet flushed and a gargled scream echoed around Lando's now empty living room and a limp, wet hand flopped on to the white tiled floor.  
  
Wedge emerged from the bathroom into the living room once more. A quick glance behind him convinced him that the former smuggler was dead. Picking up Lando's cards he flicked the corner of each one in turn and nothing happened. "Huh, I guess he didn't cheat after all." Wedge whispered the surprise obvious in his voice "Ah well" he said shrugging "I never liked him anyway." Wedge swept the credit chips from the table into his pockets and left the apartment closing the door with a soft click.  
  
In an attempt to forget what had just happened Wedge threw himself into working on his x-wing. In the hanger bay one day Wedge was working on the firing mechanisms with the aid of a young mechanic.  
  
"Damn!" Wedge muttered, "This blasted proton torpedo firing mechanism is jammed." The mechanic chuckled as he tampered with the rear thrusters.  
  
"Yeah, what ever you say Sir" he said disbelieving.  
  
"No honest, I'll show you look."  
  
The mechanic stood and walked casually round to the cockpit, "Go on then Sir" he said stifling a yawn.  
  
"OK, three, two, one." Wedge pulled on the trigger and the hanger bay erupted into a ball of flame hurling the now burnt and mangled corpses far across the room, to smash against the reinforced blast doors.  
  
Far above the lowest levels of Coruscant Mara Jade Skywalker was teaching a large group of Jedi trainees. "Right" she began regarding the twenty or so grinning faces in front of her "as long as you concentrate on the force you will be able to do any number of things whilst still keeping your balance on this girder" she swung her arm behind her to indicate the thin metal strip.  
  
The Jedi initiates nodded a Master and Apprentices were soon skipping along the girder, the Apprentices singing, "We're following the leader, the leader, the leader, we're following the leader, wherever she may go!"  
  
Suddenly a blinding flash of light caught Mara's eye and her concentration vanished. Her feet slipped from the girder and she began to tumble through the cool air, her screams echoing amongst the towering buildings.  
  
With a sickening squelch Mara hit the walkway, her brains splattering in all directions and onto the shoes of Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, who instantly burst out laughing. All of a sudden Luke's laughter stopped he looked at his wife and realised she hadn't been playing around and was in fact dead; a wail of grief escaped him. This long moan slowly became manic laughter as Luke clutched his stomach and doubled over laughing hysterically. 


	3. Even more of the same

Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to us, they're George Lucas' or Timothy Zahn's.  
  
  
  
Leia shook her head in exasperation as she returned from a senate meeting, reaching into her pocket for the keycard to her apartment she realised that she had given it to Jacen that morning.  
  
As that thought entered Leia's mind she heard her children's voices shouting from inside. Straining her ears Leia finally managed to hear what they were saying, "Help! We can't get out!" Without any thought what so ever Leia threw herself at the door repeatedly, trying desperately to break the door down, with no luck.  
  
Eventually Leia gave up and leant back against the door trying to catch her breath. Unfortunately at that same moment Anakin had what he thought was a good idea, he turned to his older siblings and said, "I know, I'll use my lightsaber to cut us out!" and before any one could stop him he had ignited his blade with a snap-hiss and plunged it through the door impaling his mother on the shimmering green blade.  
  
Leia's eyes opened wide as she felt a searing pain in her abdomen, she gasped for breath but it failed to come. Slowly Leia gave up her battle and allowed her life to slip away. As she slid to the floor and her eyes closed for the last time, the last thing she saw was Han emerging from behind a corner, seeing his wife impaled on his youngest son's blade.  
  
Inserting his keycard into the slot and storming into his apartment, Han found Anakin and stood over him, his face red with anger and tears streaming down his cheeks he bellowed "You've killed your mother! What have you got to say for yourself?"  
  
Anakin looked from his father's face to his mother's corpse crumpled on the floor. Looking back at his father Anakin answered hopefully "Oops?"  
  
Han's eyes widened as his face became livid, he picked up a large golden candlestick and chased Anakin shouting at the top of his voice "I'll get you for that you smug pretentious precocious little Jedi knob!" Han began to beat his youngest child with the candlestick; eventually blood began to splatter on to the milk white carpet and Anakin's body crumpled to the floor.  
  
Turning to the twins Han suddenly realised; they were witnesses! Pulling his blaster from its holster he switched the dial to 'kill' and fired two shots, each one dead on target. Jacen and Jaina fell to the floor, each with a smouldering blaster hole between their eyes.  
  
Picking up the bodies of his three children, Han placed them all on top of a pile of wood in the garden. After covering the pile in lighter fuel Han ignited it with a shot from his still smoking blaster. As the red- orange flames consumed his children's bodies Han picked up Leia's limp form and laid it on their bed. Sighing he began to organise his wife's funeral.  
  
The dark silhouette of the Millennium Falcon streaked across the moon, inside Han Solo and his faithful co-pilot Chewbacca were on their way to a memorial service for Leia. Suddenly Han heard a spluttering sound, before he could find out what had made the noise, however, the sublight engines failed and the Millennium Falcon began to plummet to earth.  
  
With a crash that echoed amongst the mountains the Falcon hit the ground. A large block of decorative stone flew forwards and smashed Chewbacca's skull, splattering his brains across the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon. Frantically Han, who was uninjured, called his co-pilots name, but when he turned to look instead of Chewie's head he saw a black rectangle of highly polished stone, Leia's tombstone.  
  
Han opened the Falcon's hatch and climbed out dazed, looking around he gasped, "Wow! I survived another Falcon disaster!" No sooner had the words left his mouth than he stepped off the edge of a precipice that had been hidden by the billowing fog. A sickening crunch echoed around the mountains as Han landed on the rocks below, shattering every bone in his body.  
  
Luke had just arrived home from a joint memorial service for Han and Leia, settling himself in a chair he tried to go into a trance, but there was something that he could not get out of his head. Finally he gave in and allowed himself to think; of all his friends it was he, who had risked his life most often who was the only one left alive.  
  
Luke began to chuckle at the irony of it, soon his chuckles became hysterical laughter and ever so slowly his laughter became a hacking cough. As he choked his face turned blue, he lost his breath and finally death's icy grip enveloped him.  
  
Sadly this is not the end of it, due to the enormous power explosions when Jedi die and due to Luke' immense power the explosion was so vast that it destroyed the entire galaxy in a single burst of silver-blue energy.  
  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
A/N: Well, that's all folks! Keep the reviews coming (it makes us feel loved!) and coming soon for all you Anakin Solo haters 'The Death of Freakchild'! 


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